A Kerryman went to London and found himself in
the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED
ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going
to find a dog at this hour of the night?"
How do you save a Limerickman from drowning?
You don't know? Good.
How do you recognise a Kerryman on an oil rig?
He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters...
A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin
"Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk.
"Thank you," said the Kerryman and hung up.
A fellow walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard
the latest Kerryman joke,
"I'm warning you," said the barman, "I'm a Kerryman
"That's allright," said the fellow, "I'll tell it
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a
train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a
tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and
then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting
there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face
which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to
kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me,
and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."
The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel,
I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle of Paddy in his back
pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored,
"let it be blood!"
"Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last
night?" asked the parish priest.
"Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company
after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."
"But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and
they don't drink."
"Dat's what I mean, Father..."
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were
adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular
genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the
standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted
out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his
hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping
of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered
their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a
long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat."